This last year, I’ve been trying to search for ‘perfection’. Not exactly perfection because I knew I couldn’t be perfect, mainly, because I don’t even have a definition for ‘perfect’ myself. I looked for all flaws I could find in myself and tried to get rid of them or at least, improve them. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere because we all have flaws and as soon as we get rid of one, another one appears. I still enjoyed the simplicity of this process and considered it beneficial to myself.
Now, I feel like I’ve become way too analytical, not only on myself but on other people and other things (but that’s a different matter). The fact that I kept looking for flaws and tried making myself ‘perfect’ just made me realize that perfection doesn’t exist. But, perfectionism does, yet isn’t that, in a way, the opposite of perfect? The opposite of what I wanted to be in the first place.
Worst of all is that I’ve become insecure, or more than I already was.
I am not the typical teenager who’s insecure about what they look like, what they wear, their make up, etc. My insecurities are different. I am more insecure on how I act around people, what I say, what I do, what people think, and the work I give in school. Basically, the impressions I give out or my actions because I guess I’m a very dependent person who needs others’ ‘approval’ for something to be ‘right’. My own judgement isn’t enough.
I want to change this, though.
No, I don’t want to change this because it’s one more flaw. I’m looking at it from a different lens. I don’t want to be perfect, that was simply dumb. I want to change this because it ‘harms’ me, as a person. It interferes with my inner self and with my situation. It bothers me. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I don’t care if I make a stupid mistake; I want to not care about caring so much. I want to be confident. I want to outgrow myself.
And I know I can do this because I’ve seen myself do greater things. I just have to believe in and trust myself just like I’ve done during the struggling parts of my short life.
It’s all about trust. Trust is something to be gained, I’ve said previously. Isn’t a whole life –even if it’s been only 14 years long- enough to trust a person?