Darker writing

I haven’t posted anything for a while. I could have done so but I haven’t been in my writing mood. I’m quite bipolar because of the moving, it’s going well but in my head, nothing is easy. I look back and can’t move forward. Attachments are a bitch. Today, I thought I needed to write something for the sake of letting things out. You’re generally used to seeing happy and positive writing on my blog. Be warned that these two passages you’re about to read are slightly different. I don’t necessarily love what I’m finding here and I had higher expectations of people. It’s not like I hate it either, just that I’m not used to it.

“Change is full of ups and downs. And I hate that because I love stability. Who doesn’t? We all want to have a routine that we can escape sometimes and be surrounded by the ones we love and do what we love. But what happens when you don’t have any of those things? You need to adapt to what you have because longing isn’t going to take you anywhere.”

“When I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, my eyes are watery and instead of seeing what a beautiful person I am, I see all the shit I’m going through, I murmur, “Big girls don’t cry”. When I drop the first tear, I repeat the words again with a louder yet more trembling voice, “Big girls don’t cry”. And then, I realize I’m crying like a baby and I hate myself for that. I considered myself strong but I am myself proving that to be wrong. So, in the hope that I will stop I scream, “BIG GIRLS DON’T FUCKING CRY’. It doesn’t help. I wish my voice would break the mirror and my hands could build a new one up. It doesn’t work that way though, I’m not strong enough. ”

First of all I need to say that it’s not a bad period that I’m going through right now, it’s just that it isn’t the best. And as I said before, change is full of ups and downs. I know myself, I’ll try to flight at first because that’s my instinct but I’m smart enough to know that what I need to be doing really is fighting. I just need time to stop and think how I will tackle the problem. It’s all going to be good I know. In a way, getting lost is the only way of finding yourself.

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