Darker writing

I haven’t posted anything for a while. I could have done so but I haven’t been in my writing mood. I’m quite bipolar because of the moving, it’s going well but in my head, nothing is easy. I look back and can’t move forward. Attachments are a bitch. Today, I thought I needed to write something for the sake of letting things out. You’re generally used to seeing happy and positive writing on my blog. Be warned that these two passages you’re about to read are slightly different. I don’t necessarily love what I’m finding here and I had higher expectations of people. It’s not like I hate it either, just that I’m not used to it.

“Change is full of ups and downs. And I hate that because I love stability. Who doesn’t? We all want to have a routine that we can escape sometimes and be surrounded by the ones we love and do what we love. But what happens when you don’t have any of those things? You need to adapt to what you have because longing isn’t going to take you anywhere.”

“When I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, my eyes are watery and instead of seeing what a beautiful person I am, I see all the shit I’m going through, I murmur, “Big girls don’t cry”. When I drop the first tear, I repeat the words again with a louder yet more trembling voice, “Big girls don’t cry”. And then, I realize I’m crying like a baby and I hate myself for that. I considered myself strong but I am myself proving that to be wrong. So, in the hope that I will stop I scream, “BIG GIRLS DON’T FUCKING CRY’. It doesn’t help. I wish my voice would break the mirror and my hands could build a new one up. It doesn’t work that way though, I’m not strong enough. ”

First of all I need to say that it’s not a bad period that I’m going through right now, it’s just that it isn’t the best. And as I said before, change is full of ups and downs. I know myself, I’ll try to flight at first because that’s my instinct but I’m smart enough to know that what I need to be doing really is fighting. I just need time to stop and think how I will tackle the problem. It’s all going to be good I know. In a way, getting lost is the only way of finding yourself.

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COMING BACK, MEMORIES

After all the cleaning up I had to do at home before our cargo comes, I found so many things that I was like, “Damn, I need to blog this”.

First of all, I had a little reunion with my favorite teddy of all times. It’s probably one of the biggest I’ve ever owned and sleeping with it, it’s almost like sleeping with another human being. And it’s so soft. As you can see, it’s pink so when I was small, I thought that directly made it a female. I never named it, which is weird. Maybe, it’s not too late to name it now?

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Then, I found this picture of me that looks like a painting, but it’s just an edited picture to make it look like a sketch and then, we framed it.  I got that done when I was 6 or 7 at my school. Does it look like me at all?

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And I found the most valuable things I could’ve asked for.
First, I found a diary that my grandma gave me a couple of years ago, which I never started. It’s the green one in the gallery below. I’m thinking I should really start it. Fill those pages in. I love writing and it’s great to look back at what I’ve done. Plus, it’s a diary that has meaning and value to it not just a notebook I bought so I could write in it, you know? My grandma gave it to me as a birthday present if I remember correctly.

What else did I find? If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I found three diaries of mine. I used to keep a diary when I was little. I started when I was 6 about to turn 7 and kept it till I was 9. Then, I stopped keeping one. And I started out again when I was 12, and I wrote my last diary entry last summer. I should really get back on track, shouldn’t I?

And my favorite thing ever. I actually knew they were here and I couldn’t wait to get here just to find them. When I was small, I wrote stories. Of course, they weren’t very well-written. But the ideas behind them surprise me now that I look back at them. When I was 6, I wrote a story about two girls who found out what geometrical figures were for when they saw a cat. And then, on the side I drew a cat. The face was a circle. The ears triangles. The body was an oval. And the legs, rectangles. I think it’s kind of smart of me to write that. But I have my favorites out of the collection. There are 17 stories in total. One of the stories I like the most is one of a butterfly who was stuck to its cocoon but then she got other animals to help her out and with their help, she flew. I wrote this one when I was 6. Another story I really enjoy was one of a bear who was white with black spots, but all of the bears he knew were black with white spots. This bear was invited to a party and he was scared because he was different. He didn’t have any presents to give so he took a dried flower hoping for the best. On his way, it started to rain and so, his spots and fur reversed color and the flower became really beautiful. He went in the party looking like the rest and with a beautiful flower. It’s all about taking risks. I wrote this one when I was 7. There’s so much to think about these stories. They’re unintentionally or intentionally (I don’t know, I was so small I can’t remember) meaningful and beautiful.

 

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It makes me proud to know that this little thing I have for writing started when I was really young. I started keeping a diary and now I’m here, with the desire to share my thoughts out to the world.

Social situations

After having been in a couple of social situations, (Okay fine, only one) I’m starting to get the hand of this. People are generally flexible and open over here. The key to success here is confidence and flexibility.

As long as I’m not worried about whether people will like me or not, I should be fine. If I’m myself, people will like me more than if I’m too afraid of showing myself and act weird instead. I understand that it’s okay for doubts to arise at some point, but that is it. No more bullshit.

By flexibility (for lack of a better word) I mean making myself comfortable around people even if I feel like I don’t know them that well. This is really important because otherwise my confidence and other good qualities of myself aren’t going to shine through me. I know that you gain trust with time, and that you become comfortable around certain people with time also. But if they think I’m not comfortable, they will immediately and subconsciously be uncomfortable around me.

My next step is to become more open. I am an open person by nature. I just think that I’m not that open these days because there are a lot of things going through my mind. I just need to live, goddammit.

No worries, no regrets, no second-guessing; Let life give me its opportunities, I’ll make the decisions.

Fear and worries- Moving back

Moving back scares and excites me at the same time. I’m in Spain now but I’m at my summer house not where I’ll end up living and going to school. Surely things are great here but I don’t know how they will be two cities away. I’m going to be visiting the place I’ll call home on Monday. They should show me around the school one day, and well then I have two other days when I will be completely free. What does that mean? I get to see my “friends” from 6th grade or whatever whom I haven’t spoken to in a while.

It’s not like I’m socially awkward or anything but the thought of this scares me. It’s like first impressions all over again. I feel sort of lost, in a way. I don’t know what to expect of people and I don’t know what they expect of me. I don’t really know the place very well or the customs. Yes, I know I’m technically Spanish but I haven’t lived in Spain for a very long time; I haven’t grown up here. I just don’t know things very well. And since I’m Spanish, coming here reminds me that there’s a part of me that I’m missing; my culture. That is how people interact with each other, their habits, their customs, their social behavior, their expectations, etc. It could even be the way they dress! I know that’s ridiculous. But we need to admit that the society we live in today is quite judgmental. That’s it. It’s fear of the unknown. But what is there to fear if I don’t know?

I think that this is just a part of the moving back process I have to deal with, face, adapt to and whatnot. I suppose that going there for a couple of days will make the whole moving back (when that fully happens in September) a little easier. It’s all a process of getting to know my culture and adapting my life to it to make the best of my life there. This is just the beginning. I need to keep the right attitude to get on with life and all the things it’s giving me.

So, after thinking about it, I realized that my summer can’t be filled with worries and fear, but instead, change, flexibility, strength, initiative, love, wisdom, creativity, and FUN. I mean, who doesn’t love a little fun?

First impressions on leaving

As I write this, I’m on the plane heading to Spain. I should be there in around 2 hours. It’s easy to leave, right? I mean, you just take a flight and it takes you 5 hours to get there. Apart from all the packing and stuff, of course. But I find it weird how it literally takes that much time to leave something behind and for new things to come into your life.  It all happens too quickly. More quickly than my mind could possibly grasp it.

These days have been tough. I’m glad to say that I think they were the worst of this entire moving process and that they’re over.  First of all, saying goodbye (or see you in a while) to the people that became crucial to my life. Then, we have packing, which adds onto it. I thought it’d be easier than it actually was. But it wasn’t. As I packed, I found all sorts of things that gave me memories. Memories of people or even places that I was attached to, after 4 years. Also, when I saw all my furniture being packed by the Cargo people, it was just like they were taking a piece of me. When my house was left empty, so was I.

Hey, wait. I have something good to say about these days though. I haven’t cried when I had to say goodbye to the people that I loved the most. I left laughing happily and made the most of my time there. So I’m extremely happy about that. One of the best things I could’ve truly asked for.

Anyway, it seems to me like time is spinning faster than it should. It’s like; bang. It’s over. But nothing is over in my head. I still can’t believe that I’m not going to go to Finland for a long time. After giving this issue some thought, I came to a lot of conclusions.

-We can’t go against time. Life goes on.  We need to go with time. Unless we want a mental breakdown. And, well, I don’t necessarily want that. I’m a strong person and I accept that it’s completely normal to have felt the way I’ve been feeling this past week. I’m a human being after all. But then again, I don’t want to sink into depression or something. Hahaha! Life teaches us through experience and while it does that, it’s up to us whether we want to make the most of it and enjoy it or not. So now, I’ve decided to go with the flow and live in the moment. It’s summertime. I’m free and there are so many things I have in mind. So, let’s do them.

– Why feel bad about leaving certain people when they are the ones that would never want me to feel bad?  Not worth it. They want me and need me strong. I’ve realized that no matter how much people love me or care for me, they can’t make me stronger or help me because it’s all inside me. It’s me and my thoughts that will truly give me strength to move on. When I say thoughts, I especially mean thinking about these people, appreciating I have them, and thanking whoever is up there for that. I’ve been keeping this attitude for the past two-three days, and so with that, I’ve stopped crying and feeling so bad. In fact, I’m really happy to say I have a lot of worthy people in my life.  At the end of the day, I’ve always known I was a “people’s person” so using that to my advantage in terms of self-control, mood and attitude has helped me so much.  My love for people gives me happiness and strength so that’s great.

What else can I say? Oh yes, let’s look to the future. This is a challenge. Moving away was a challenge and so, moving back is one as well.  Some might argue that it isn’t that big of a challenge. But trust me. It is.  Age issues. I left when I was 11 and I’m coming back now, when I’m about to turn 15. The people I knew before were kids, now they’re in their teens. I have to admit I haven’t kept in touch with most of the people I used to call “friends” here.  And as bad as that sounds, I don’t regret not having done so; not even a little bit. Why? Because now they’re smoking, drinking, doing drugs, etc. Anyway, after the summer, I’ll be going to a different school so yes, I am moving back to the same city, same house, etc. But definitely I’ll get to know other people and my routine will change drastically. I have to admit it’s an interesting move full of opportunities. Still, I need to find those and take them. They won’t be given to me so easily. But I’m excited.

If you’ve managed to read up to here, that’s just incredible. I guess this was some sort of update on the moving process. As you can see, this post attempted to discuss what it really means to leave; physically and mentally. Also, I wanted to somewhat show how thinking, reflecting, and writing can help us develop attitudes and ideas and ease tough situations. It helps us look at it in an objective manner, evaluate situations and look at the bright side of things, which we often tend to ignore. Join me in my adventure and let’s encounter the mysteries and wonders of change together in time.

Moving countries

Some doors are closing, leaving people behind. It hurts to see a period of my life end so suddenly with  me being able to do nothing to control it. I never really know, I can’t be certain that I will see them again. I just hope that some time, they will be able to open the door that closed and that our paths will cross. “I wish”, “I hope”, it’s about uncertainty. I don’t want to put an end to all this just like that. Whatever it is, I know that I’ll have memories to hold onto. Memories, which are my own. And they are part of them. Only with strength will I be able to let go and look back without longing, but instead with a big smile on my face.

Not only that, but when one door closes, another one opens. And that’s what is happening to me now.   I leave Finland to go back to Spain. What will I find there? Who and what will I be? Will I change, and if so, how? Who are the people that will join my journey? What will happen to me? How will things be there? What will I learn? How will I feel? I don’t know and I am to figure that out. I’ll receive the answers to these questions as soon as I get there. Too quick. Everything is too quick. I wish things would be slower.

And so many emotions pile up inside me. Anger and frustration because I can’t control this situation. Sadness to leave things behind. Fear of the unknown and the stuff I’m not aware of yet that will be unknown. Excitement because of change. Appreciation of love and bonds. Not that many, right? When you feel them in high levels, it’s more than it really sounds like.