Amor- Love

Hello, I know it’s been forever but it is finally summer and I want to go back to writing. I will try to show some commitment. We could say I had some love issues recently and so I was writing about it. Here is what I wrote (it’s in Spanish but if you don’t understand it, I will make an effort and attempt to translate it below for you):

“Vivimos por amor. Es el amor el sentimiento que mueve a la humanidad, el que nos hace perseguir las olas del mar en verano y donde nos refugiamos cuando hace frío en invierno. Pero el amor solo lo podemos describir como cálido, rojo y apasionado. Es inevitable e inelegible y cuestión de azar si te sacará una sonrisa a media noche o si hará que caigan lágrimas en tu almohada.

La brisa fresquita que acaricia tu rostro en primavera y el viento que te bofetea la cara en otoño; no existe brisa sin viento, ni viento sin brisa. En otoño el fuerte viento te seca los ojos y los árboles pierden sus hojas. Las hojas caen a la vez que lo hacen tus lágrimas. Parece mentira que todavía recuerdes la primavera; el olor de una flor y su florecer. La anhelas pero el curso de la vida es el que es, nunca habrá una nueva primavera sin antes haber un demoledor otoño.

Tan fino y tan fuerte como el viento. Arranca troncos, pone la piel de gallina, pasea emociones. Se va y viene, y ahí abajo estamos nosotros, como pequeños soldaditos de plomo esclavos del amor. El amor nos viene grande siempre, nunca podemos forzarlo o evitarlo.

Es natural como las mismas estaciones y mueve a los pequeños soldaditos de abajo, que ilusos buscan la luz de la vida y el sentimiento que la provoca. A pesar de que algunos caen en otoño e invierno, esperan con ansia el verano y la primavera, como si fuesen los primeros rayos de luz o las primeras flores.

¿Cómo podemos vivir por algo que nos mata?- me pregunto-. ¿Y qué es la vida sin algo de muerte en ella?-me respondo-. El amor es la emoción de los soldaditos, y qué mejor que morir con vida…”

TRANSLATION:

“We live for love. it is love the feeling that moves humanity, the one feeling that makes us chase ocean waves in the summer and where we find shelter when it’s cold in winter. But we can only describe love as warm, red and passionate. It is inevitable and not choosable and a question of chance whether it will draw a smile on your face at midnight or make tears fall on your pillow.

The fresh breeze that caresses your face in spring and the wind that buffets your face in autumn; wind cannot exist without a breeze and a breeze cannot exist without wind. During autumn, a strong wind dries your eyes out and trees lose their leaves. Leaves fall as your tears do. It is almost funny how you still remember spring; the smell of a flower and its growing up. You miss it but the course of life is the course of life; there will never be a new spring without there having been a demolishing autumn before.

As fine yet as strong as the wind. It pulls of tree trunks, gives goose bumps, walks emotions. It comes and it goes, and underneath there we are, like small tin soldiers, slaves of love. Love is always bigger than us, we can never force it or avoid it.

It is natural just like seasons and it moves the small soldiers underneath, who naively search for light in life and the feeling that causes it. Although some fall during autumn and winter, they look forward to summer and spring, as if they were the first sun rays or the first flowers.

How can we live for something that kills us?- I ask myself-. And what is life without some death in it?- I instantly reply-. Love is the emotion of the soldier, and there is nothing better than dying lively.”

I attempted to translate this but it was kind of hard because of idioms, expressions, etc. Please tell me what you think. I’m open to your thoughts, and they’re always great to hear!

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Dear 2014 Elisa…

Dear 2014 Elisa,

I need to start out by saying that I find writing this quite emotional. I’m getting goose bumps on my arms as I think of everything that I’m about to write. I love you to death and I want you to read this throughout this upcoming year just so you can sort of “keep in touch” with me- the 2013 Elisa.

First things first, let’s look back at this year. It’s been one of the best years of my life so far. The first half was full of thinking about my possible future, uncertainty, and oh god lots of thinking and writing. But most importantly, it was beautiful, I learnt to seize the present and love wholeheartedly. I have learnt the beauty and emotion of friendship. I made the memories I look back at now. Second half was interesting and beautiful too. I became stronger; watched my home turn into a stranger’s house, said goodbye. It was painful yet unforgettable. The pain and the strength were beautiful though, how I said goodbye to my best friends was the best way it could have possible been. Remember? “Alright, let’s not cry because I don’t want you to cry and you don’t want me to cry. Our goodbye needs to be as strong as our friendship, it has to speak for it”. None of us cried, thank you Kai. Oh god, how much I’ve learnt from people! Had it not been because of Kai and I would still be that little insecure girl I was in 7th grade. And Riti. We didn’t cry either. It was hard but worth it, I am tougher now. Perhaps the year I cried the most, but my favourite by far. Look at how it evolved. I quickly learnt that resistance was no good and I adapted because I had no other choice. “Dragging your feet only causes friction-thank you duckling”. Best decision I took, I don’t regret a single thing. I met amazing people, which I’m so happy I got to know. Oh, the beauty of attachments! My roots; my family and my culture. My people. Forgive me if I keep using the word ‘beautiful’, I should try to use synonyms, shouldn’t I? Hahaha! (lovely, marvellous, charming, and whatnot) Oh charming, I love that word; so magical. I can’t help but use the word ‘beautiful’ because this year was just beautiful! If you looked back, don’t you feel like it was like water? Very flowy (not inferring I swam with the stream at all). I adapted to the river channel, and that little bump in the middle had its purpose; it led to an ocean. What a beautiful year! Full of emotion, people, thoughts, and self-development. Don’t deny it girlie, you know yourself it was the best, don’t let go of the memories. Time to look at what you did right and wrong, don’t you think?

I can’t forget to tell you how you were and how you are after the change, because you have changed with the change. Aovubsoubcoau. ß red line! Word sees some spelling mistake I think. Well, in Finland you were determined, hard-working, intriguing, creative, deep, desirous of cultivating yourself, thoughtful, emotional, accomplished, sensible, human a little more closed and awkward so to speak, positive, full of initiative, expressive in your own way, full of life, worthy, more serious and a little proud. I wrote as much as I could because I never want you to forget how you were back then. Don’t forget that people had faith in you, they really did. Even teachers. “Strong persona” “Strong authoritative voice” “talented”. What now? This is on its way to being a new year’s resolution, not saying that I’ll tell you you were shit by the end of the year. Situation and circumstances are things you handled well, but it’s understandable I can’t see how I was before at the moment.  You’re more stressed out but that also means lazier. How? – you might ask. When put under stress, we either “fight or flight” and you’re flying away, not fighting against it! What happened to that initiative? It was characterizing. You can’t lose it. You temporarily misplaced it; hear what I’m saying? You are still deep, sensible, emotional, hard working, determined, accomplished and all that. But this second half of the year you stopped doing something, which you found highly fulfilling, you left your blog aside. That’s very positive for you and I don’t know why you forgot about it. It made you think, express yourself, it made you proud, gave you confidence, it was great. Why get rid of something like that? I loved the values I had earlier, and I want you to have them back. You need to organize yourself and go back to your writing routine. I know it’s been both: a time issue as well as a laziness issue. Translation? You tell me smartass. Organize your time and write, it’s for your sake. You need to go down the right track. Also promise me you won’t lose your quirkiness. It’s not like you have lost it, you still have it and I love it but you’re risking it. Write, please write. On the bright side, you’re more open and more social capable. That was expected. A little happier? Maybe. I’d describe it as simply different though, in a good way. Your ideas have developed as you have developed, that’s good too. One more thing, be careful with your studies. You did a great job this trimester and I’m proud of that, 8.7 average (not your grades, but quite impressive considering it’s a new school and all) And you still stand out so yay! I also feel that this second half of the year made you use your brain way too much, perhaps the way to being happier lies in exercising so you can give your brain a rest and your body some work. But definitely go back to your blog.

I’m proud of how you handled this beautiful year and of what you’ve become. But hey, don’t we love making things better? List of goals? Sure thing, why not?

  • No procrastination
  • Get enough hours of sleep. Quit whatsapp. Try to go to bed at 10:30-11:00- it’s your health
  • Talking about health, please eat more fruit and exercise more. Join a gym maybe? Wouldn’t that be great to recover your initiative?
  • Average of a 9 for this second trimester. Holy we need to look long term. A year- three semesters! Keep it up, okay? All I ask is for improvement now, not numbers. Keep going higher, there’s no limit as to what you can do
  • WRITE. GET BACK TO YOUR BLOG and exploit your creativity
  • Focus on your personal project. Don’t leave it all for the last minute
  • Balance time out, social life, school, yourself
  • Keep loving and holding onto people. Bonds have proven to be important
  • We’re going to keep working on the following virtues: helpfulness, kindness, benevolence, loyalty, thoughtfulness, empathy, determination, compassion, which are virtues you already possess. Don’t leave them behind.
  • We’re going to introduce new principles to work on this year; enthusiasm, energy, (be real- I fear you’ll become fake),
  • Learn how to alienate from stress. You’ll get further if you do. Maybe something on stress on your blog? What do you think?
  • Make an effort to keep in touch with everyone you love
  • Go into handicrafts and art, I think it will make you more dynamic

Looking back at the short resolution you did last year, some things have been accomplished; The Confidence Project was fruitful. Look at you now! You don’t even get that carried away anymore. How often do you actually cry? Once every two months or something! You’re good to go. This year looks promising, you just need to sort out your time, get things done and enjoy. Don’t hurt people in the way. It hurts to say goodbye to this BEAUTIFUL year but I can’t wait to see what you can make of this upcoming year.

Malie’s eyes

In the streets of Gyutsma, she was dodging people as she walked weakly. Tears were falling down Malie’s eyes. She was only 9 years old and she felt powerless without her mom by her side. All she could remember was that she was supposed to wait for her at the farigne but for some reason, she missed it and continued walking in the wrong direction.

The farigne was known as the place of laughter by everyone in Gyutsma. People that hadn’t seen each other in a long time met there and laughed together at everything and anything. Also, there were those people who saw each other around there often; people who exchanged banal  and funny stories, which they would later on that day recall and smile at.

But she wasn’t part of those people because she was lost. She couldn’t laugh because she wanted to cry. What was she supposed to do by herself? Malie stopped walking as she realized that the more she walked, the further away she would most probably get from her mother. She wiped off her tears and looked around. The silence in the streets was wonderful.  People walked down the street happily but no words were ever exchanged. A couple of smiles were, but no more. Still, the atmosphere was so happy and positive that social interaction wasn’t very much needed. Anybody else would’ve loved this but Malie didn’t. She wanted to scream in anxiousness, in desperation. Everything was so contradicting to her. The external view of Gyutsma was happy and something that every city would desire. And then, there was her. Living in this city and feeling the complete opposite. She felt as if she didn’t belong there. However, she was convinced that if her mom was there, she would feel differently.

What was she supposed to do? In school, they taught her what to do when she got lost; run to the forest and sing for Pycharsa. And so, she did.

Pycharsa was the godess of childhood. She lived in the trees as trees were a sign of growth. Gyutsmaics believed that Pycharsa would take care of children when these ones were in need. She would give them love, comfort, joyfulness, care, help, and spirit. Childhood was considered the most important part of life in Gyutsma because they believed that all ideas were derived from childhood. Therefore, Pycharsa was one of the most important goddesses.

Malie sat under she shade of a tree and murmured in tears:

“Pycharsa, Pycharsa, Pycharsa,
inside trees our virtues rest,
you rest, Pycharsa,

Once more, I am lost,
lost in tears,
lost from my mother,
lost from my city,
lost from myself,

Where is my way back home?
Where will I find my life again?

Give me strength,
Pycharsa,
Give me strength.”

My Back Is A Snake- Memoir entry

It was summertime in Spain, 2012. It’d be around 9 pm when I had just come back home from the beach. Even though it was quite late, it was hot; very, very hot and sticky and I had sand all over my body. Because of that, I decided to shower that evening. That was rare considering I’d gotten into the habit of taking morning showers. I waved and smiled at my parents who were on the couch peacefully watching some Spanish TV show but without a word, I went into the bathroom. I took off the flowery pink dress I generally wore to go down to the beach and gently dropped it on the floor. I was about to take my bikini off but then the mirror in front of me, as usual, stopped me.

Putting my arms down, I stared straight into the mirror observing my body, more like my hips. They were definitely much better than the year before but still not perfect. Or what I thought was perfect. I shut my eyes not wanting to think about it. But, unconsciously I turned sideways to look at the reflection of what my doctor called “gibbous”. They are visible bumps you get on your back from scoliosis because apparently, scoliosis is the three-dimensional rotation of the spine, and so it causes as many bumps in your back as many curves you have. I had two curves but my upper curve was in a worse state than my lower one, and that made my hips uneven as well as my upper bump bigger. Looking at this one bump was the worst about looking at myself in the mirror because it was very noticeable. It never seemed to get any better and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. Every time I’d look at it, I couldn’t help but feel as if I’d been defeated in my own game, as if birds were going through my body at the speed of light, and as if nothing was enough to describe what I went through and the unknown battle that was still left. I didn’t and would never have words to explain this devastating feeling. What I hated the most about scoliosis was that I couldn’t control it; there was nothing I could do to stop it or make it better. This wasn’t like any other situation where I could put effort into something to achieve it. I had to wait and see what that mischievous snake of mine decided to do. All of these thoughts crowded my mind to a point where my brain wouldn’t process what my eyes were seeing anymore. My eyes focused again on my figure and I turned to face the mirror completely. My eyes drifted away from my body and I looked at the reflection of my face. This one was getting more and more serious and my eyes more watery. I forced myself to cry. I had the belief that if I cried, things would get better. I wasn’t one of those people who stopped themselves from crying. Instead, I always forced myself to cry, thinking that with each tear I dropped, my back would become a little straighter. So, that July 11th, I ran into the shower dropping a bittersweet tear- one of pain and hope- on the pink flowers of my dress.

———————————————————————

My parents and I were at the waiting room of a hospital in Seville, waiting for my name to be called. None of us really knew what the problem was. All we knew is that there was something in my body that was not okay. A couple of weeks ago, we were sightseeing London. There, I got my first bra. I was so excited about it even if it was merely a bra that looked like a sports bra. In fact, I think it was a sports bra. As I was trying it on, my mother noticed that one of my hips was more pronounced than the other. She was convinced that the reason for that was that one of my legs was shorter than the other. Since I was 11, I thought that one of my hips started developing and the other one was developing at a slower rate. On the other hand, my dad decided not to make speculations and see what prognostic the doctor would give. I had already gotten an X-ray of my entire body done and the doctor was supposed to already have examined it by the time we got called in.

I looked around the room impatiently. There were a couple of boys my age playing on a black Nintendo DS and being as loud as one could be playing videogames. I wasn’t very patient and the fact that they were being so noisy was seriously bugging me.

“Hidalgo, Elisa”, I heard a fat middle-aged doctor call my name. I didn’t like the look on that doctor’s face. It appeared to me as if he was tired of his job and was there just for the money, with little motivation.

Anyhow, we stood up right away and followed the doctor to a door marked number 16. We went in and he sat down in front of us. He picked up a thick blackish sort of paper from his desk, which I assumed was the X-ray. His movements were quite robotic and his face, emotionless. He placed the x-ray on a strange thing that was stuck to the wall. It reminded me of a picture frame except for the fact that it was more technological. It had buttons and was divided in different sections by very thin lines. After having placed it there, he pressed one of those buttons; the button. The button that projected light from the frame into the X-ray so we could see it more clearly. I jolted backwards in my chair, stunned. It felt as if I was the centre of the world and this one had stopped for a few seconds.

When those seconds passed, I burst into tears screaming the five words that would be engraved on my head during my entire life, “My back is a snake”.

———————————————————————

After I was diagnosed a lot of things in my life changed for me. I started wearing a brace and going to several doctors who would only point flaws in my whole body. They’d say that my pelvis was tilted forwards, my knees rotated inwards, my feet outwards, and a lot more. But, that didn’t matter to me very much. I got X-rays done every half a year and when I did, they crashed my hope.

I have had to live with this problem and I’ve grown up with it. It has, definitely, been a big part of my life. Because of it, I never give up on anything quickly. I believe that I have control over them and that, if this is the case, I can achieve anything with determination, but not with hope. I’ve learnt that I’m not defined as only a girl with scoliosis. I’m much more than that no matter what all those doctors said at one point.

Now, I’ve stopped growing and my back will stay as it is. It’s obviously not straight but the doctors say I can perfectly live like this, and that I won’t need an operation. However, I still have to take care of my back and my journey and battle will never finish. Yet, for now, we think the snake is not poisonous.

The 5 W’s and 1 H about Worries

What? It’s time to let them go. All of them worries and regrets. Breathe in, breathe out. Get them off.
Why? Because there’s no point. What’s done is done. Worrying isn’t going to help.
Who? You.
Where? In your mind, your inner-self. It all takes place there, nowhere else.
When? Here and now, with time.
How? Do something else. Think of something else. If you can’t fix it, let it bury in the silence of your thoughts.

Worry is a misuse of Imagination

Experiences

I was going through my drafts and found all those things I never finished writing. I saw this one and I was like, “Hey. I should write about this. ”

‘What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?’

“The one experience”, well that’s tough to answer and practically impossible. There are way too many to choose from. There are also those experiences that without us noticing… really shape who we are now. I personally think that every single experience ultimately shapes who we are, and so, this question is very hard to answer for me. I’ll still try to choose as few as possible.

First thing; living abroad in an international environment. It’s probably one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. It’s changed the way I see different people and it has definitely opened my mind to other traditions, cultures, ways of being, and simply everything! If it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t be speaking English right now and you wouldn’t be reading this. Apart from that, since I’m more open-minded, it’s also easier for me to understand and sympathise with people as well as to adapt to different situations. It’s surely a big part of who I am now because all of the different people that have come into my life, have left a piece of themselves in me. Moreover, it taught me not to let people go and that keeping in touch with people is possible. You just have to make the effort.

What else? Scoliosis. I was diagnosed at the age of 10 and this problem affected me in many ways. First of all, it’d keep worsening and crashing my hope. Second of all, it caused conflicts between my parents and I. Third of all, I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted to because you would see my  back brace. I became stronger, more determined, and accepted myself. It wasn’t easy considering the fact that I was little. But then again, I grew up with it and had to overcome it (more mentally, than physically) so it’s a big thing.

One more thing, not being scared of death. Overcoming this fear was crucial to my life. I realized that there was a time limit and I had to live, not think about death. Carpe diem, baby!

2013.

Dear 2013 Elisa,
This year has given me many lessons. I would say that this year was “my year of awareness”. Sort of like the year when I took control of my life and became aware of what’s actually out there. I have to admit that it was a tough year… full of challenges, work, emotions, and new things. Since it was tough, I learnt a lot from it. So, there are a couple of things that I want to tell you. Please, please, please: stop procrastinating and work. It’s true that you have gotten pretty good grades but you went though a lot of stress, disorganization, lack of time, which you wouldn’t have had to go through if you didn’t procrastinate and worked. Also, you would have time for more things outside school and would have more of a balanced life. So, you must stop procrastinating this 2013. Quit facebook. Quit anything that will stop you from working and do take breaks, but work efficiently. Try and enjoy your assignments. You’ll work better that way. Anyway, I would also want you to spend time with your family because this year they’ve proven me how great they are. Never forget about them and care for them just as they care for you. Hmm, what else can I tell you? This is gonna be hard to ask for… but stop being insecure. Start believing in yourself, in all aspects of yourself because it’ll get you further. Pull that confidence together. I know that this year could’ve been way better if you only had a little faith in yourself. This is kind of related as well: overcome your shyness. It’s unnecessary and useless. It’s doing no good to you. Next, don’t allow yourself to get carried away by your emotions. You can avoid so many complications. So, put your feet on the ground and control yourself too. Don’t scream at people just because you’re feeling angry. Don’t let your emotions take over you. Also, I know you don’t do this but you do think of it… don’t betray anyone. Not worth it. To sum up, here’s the list of your goals:
-No procrastination and work efficiently
-Have things to look forward to and goals
-Spend time with your loved ones
-Believe in yourself, get rid of your insecurities
-Overcome your shyness
-Don’t get carried away by emotions
-Be truthful and sincere
-Read a book a month 
-Keep writing
-Start out a new hobby
-Be happy 

2013. HERE WE COME. 🙂